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A BOOK FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 


The Scratchsides Family. 


JOHN CARLIN. 


WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR. 



NEW YORK : 

PUBLISHED BY WILLIAM L. STONE & JOHN T. BARRON. 

1868. 




Entered according lo Act of Congress, in the vear 18(58, by John Carlin, in the 
Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the Southern District of New York. 


/ ^ 3 1 f 

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WM. L. STONE & J. T. BARRON, BOOK AND JOB PRlNTKRH, 
98 NASSAU STREET. 






THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


CHAPTEE I. 

There once lived a family near Pungetown, a charm- 
ing village on the southern slope of the mountain, 
where, among the wild and secluded ravines, a remark- 
able man of the name of Kip Van Winkle saw a dozen 
or more Dutch ghosts playing at nine-pins, and was 
made by their liquor to sleep for twenty years. The 
family consisted of seven jiersons — Gusty Scratchsides 
and his wife, Polly, and their children : Frederick 
Augustus, Clara Arabella, Achilles, Seraphina, and 
George Washington. All were monkeys. 



4 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


The father, Augustus — or Grusty, as he was familiarly 
called — was a cobbler. So industrious was he that he 
always sat on his bench from sunrise till sunset, and 
often till late at night, driving the awl round through 
the soles of old shoes and boots. With all his industry 
he did not know how to save his earnings so that he 
might grow rich. Of all good qualities, he valued hon- 
esty the most. As an instance of this fine trait of his 
character, a traveling dealer in house-furnishing ware 
once overpaid him one penny in changing a bank-note for 
an article he bought ; the mistake was not discovered 
till after several minutes had elapsed ; and Gusty, sorely 
disturbed in mind by the idea that he held a penny 
which did not belong to him, bounded to the middle of 
the road, saw the peddler's wagon just disappearing 
beyond the hill-road yonder, and galloped toward it on 
his all-fours, with his tail high in the air, notwithstand- 
ing the great distance of the way and the heat of the 
day, as it was at noon, and the sun was burning like a 






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THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


5 


furnace. The chase was kept up with increased speed ; 
perspiration fell copiously down his honest face ; on 
Teaching the summit of the hill, he hallooed most lustily 
'to the owner of the wagon, who had just stopped in front 
of another house not far off ; and, grinning from ear to 
ear, he handed the penny to the surprised dealer, who, 
after learning the facts of the case, admired the cobbler’s 
honesty, and rewarded it with a present of a new tin 
cup. 

My young readers, honesty, being the best policy ” in 
all dealings, often meets with reward. So, while wend- 
ing his way home with the new cup tied round his neck. 
Gusty perceived something glittering in the sun on the 
road, and found it to be a silver fifty-cent piece. Long 
at his prize he gazed with a heart swelling almost to 
bursting with joy. 

He was a husband and a father, affectionate, but more 
indulgent than he should have been. On that day, 
though he knew his wife, Polly, wanted a dress for Baby 


6 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


Gsorge, yet, when Clara Arabella insisted on having the 
same coin, found ten minutes back, with which to buy 
some scarlet ribbons for herself, he gave it to her, even 
without the least regret, so that she might be happy ! 
No doubt you are displeased with her selfishness, and 
may wonder if she had any decent dress to be trimmed 
with them, or ask, why did Gusty not save the money in 
a savings-bank ? At any rate, he was as foolish as 
she. 

You will be surprised to learn that the poor, ragged 
cobbler had upon a shelf, just above his head, several old 
books in Latin and Greek, in which he was fond of read- 
ing in his spare moments. Well, I’ll tell you how he 
learned these languages. 

Gusty — remember it is Augustus — was a son of Philip 
Scratchsides, Esquire, of Scratchsides Hall, a very 
wealthy man, who gave him a very good education at 
college, and sent him to Europe. The young gentleman 
returned home, greatly improved in mind and manners. 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


7 


he having had so much good sense as to avoid dissipation 
in the great cities ; and his old father was not less proud 
of him than of his family coat-of-arms, consisting of five 
turbaned heads, which was bestowed on his ancestor, 
Sir Geofrey Scratchsides, of Crusade memory, because he 
cut, at one sweeping blow, the heads off of five Moslems 
who pressed him on all sides ! 

In one of Augustus’ hunting excursions he saw a 
beautiful girl, barefooted and in a tattered dress, nearing 
a brook, with a pail on her head. Her" face was of a 
most delicate pink color; her nose agreeably flat, with 
small oblique nostrils ; her eyes, being of the clearest 
hazel color, were pensive when in perfect repose, and 
sparkling as diamonds when her eyebrows were elevated 
with vivacity. Her grimace was not coarse, but charm- 
ing to behold ; nor was her grin disagreeable, for it dis- 
played two rows of white teeth and red gums. 

When her eyes met his gaze, she blushed to the top of 
her low forehead, and grinned faintly. Augustus’ 


8 


THE SCHxVTCHSIDES FA3IILY. 


admiration at her beauty now burst forth into a broad 
grin, opening to view his splendid teeth ; soon after 
which he kissed his fingers to her in such a manner as to 
confuse her so greatly that she stumbled over her pail, 
which she had just before dropped in confusion, and fell 
headlong into the brook. There she might have found 
a watery grave had the gallant stranger not thrown off 
his coat, and rushed by several leaps, remarkably long 
for his size, to her deliverance. 

While she sat on the grassy hank in the sun to dry 
her wet dress, he learned with eager ears from her own 
tongue that she was the daughter of a poor shoemaker ; 
found, to his chagrin, that she was low-bred and ignorant ; 
but her charms conquered his heart. Indeed, this fine 
gentleman, in a fashionable hunting-coat, white deer-skin 
breeches, and yellow- topped boots, was head over heels 
in love with Polly Gribb, which was her name. From 
that eventful day, Augustus frequently met her at the 
same place where they first saw each other. 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


9 


On several occasions he wrote pretty sonnets for her, 
but, recollecting her inability to read, burnt them with a 
sigh. Nevertheless, being a fine player on the flute, he 
used, in the neighboring grove, to draw forth its clarion 
tones ; the melody of love floated on the air to the 
listening ears of his beloved one, barefooted and in tat- 
tered dress ; and it flowed into her heart. Well knowing 
the pride and hardness of heart of his father, he dared 
not beg his permission to marry her. So he wedded her 
in secret. A wrong course, you all think. Yes, you are 
right, for the clandestine marriages of indiscreet couples, 
without the consent of their parents, often bring trouble 
or misery upon their heads. 

Augustus, who loved truth, felt it his duty as a son 
to acquaint his father with his marriage, and ask his 
forgiveness. Accordingly, he went to Scratchsides Hall, 
and, leaving his young wife at the door, went into the 
library and appeared before the old gentleman, who. 


confined to his arm-chair by the gout, was reading a 
1 -^ 


10 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


small book by Dr. Goodheart, entitled Parental For- 
giveness : A Duty Incumbent on all Fathers.’^ The son 
lisped : Father, dear father, please pardon your boy !” 

^‘Pardon you exclaimed the father, looking up at 
him. 

‘^Yes, father.'' 

For what ?” demanded Philip Scratch sides,* Esquire. 

For marrying a penniless, but lovely girl, without 
your knowledge," replied the son, trembling and chatter- 
ing with fear. The father was thunderstruck, and was 
long silent, while he gazed with a contracted brow at the 
culprit. At last, forgetting his gout and all the precepts 
he had just read in the book, he started up, with a face 
distorted into a thousand wrinkles by wrath, and 
shrieked, Pardon you ? No ! Never ! I disown — 
disinherit you forever !" No sooner had the enraged 
father uttered the last direful word than he grasped the 
unfortunate boy's collar with both his hands. After 
shaking and pushing him to the open door, the gentle- 


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THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


11 


man, enjoying the general salutation of Esquire, kicked 
his own offspring down the front marble steps as if he 
were a strange dog that had the impudence to come into 
his presence ; and he slammed the door with a sound 
that filled Augustus^ heart with dismay. Thus, the 
father's mansion, his love, and his big purse, we e all 
shut up, never to he opened again to him ! 

Riveted to the ground, and not noticing the distress 
of the innocent cause of his banishment, who clung 
wildly to his neck, he long gazed at the closed door and 
the bright door-plate, proud of the name of Philip 
Scratchsides, which it bore ; he felt he was alone on the 
wide earth, almost without a penny in his pocket. His 
soul sank into the depths of despair. Let me drop the 
curtain on that sad scene. 

In the course of time, after a severe struggle with the 
stern realities of a cold world, Augustus was finally set- 
tled as a cobbler, perfectly resigned to his fate, and quite 
a philosopher. Babe after babe came into the world to 


12 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


stare vacantly and make innocent grimaces at him. 
On he hammered the leather, and sewed the soles, with 
all diligence. At every twilight, after his day's work 
was over, he read his favorite books solely to refresh his 
memory of the languages he learned at college. Some- 
times he played on the identical flute with which he made 
love in the grove, all the cracks of which were carefully 
filled up with shoemaker's wax. What refinement in a 
wretched hovel ! You see Gusty did constantly what 
most college graduates neglect. 




CHAPTEE II. 

Of Dame Polly Scratchsides little can be said. She 
had been a dutiful wife and mother, cooking food, nursing 
Baby, and mending torn garments. She looked on 
Gusty as a wonderful man of learning, and was one day 
heard to declare her belief that he would make as good a 
Governor of New York or a President of America as any- 
body else ; but the listener, grinning with his eyebrows 
elevated to the uppermost extent, said he didn’t see how 
a cobbler could pave his way either to Albany or Wash- 
ington. Incensed at this insinuation, Polly retorted : 

Gusty says that Kogue — I don’t remember th’ other 
name — ’twas a shoemaker who made the Independence.” 
Evidently she referred to Eoger Sherman, who was one of 
the signers of the Declaration of Independence. 




CHAPTER III. 

Frederick Augustus, their eldest child, was as 
amiable as his father, hut more romantic and ambitious ; 
fond of displaying the agility of his arms and legs. He 
was once induced by some wicked gamblers, for a small 
sum of money, to run on his all-fours against time in a 
race-course ; after prodigious efforts of muscle, encour- 
aged by those “ gentlemen of sport,’^ he won the race, 
having but one second to spare, and was brought home 
on a shutter, more dead than alive. 

When quite young he began to throw summersets, 
first from the hank into the brook ; repeated them until 
he acquired sufficient agility to turn his body both for- 
ward and backward in the air, and alight upon his feet 
on the dry land. It is a folly, certainly dangerous to 


THE SCRATCHSTDES FAMILY. 


15 


neck-bones, knees, and wrist-joints, which should never 
be pursued by little boys — more especially those of a 
naturally ambitious or adventurous disposition. 

He joined a traveling circus against the wishes of his 
father, Avho intended that he should study law. Our 
worthy cobbler believed that smart chatter-boxes would 
make good lawyers ; and as Freddy was a famous chatter- 
box, it was reckoned he would be another Dan. Web- 
ster. But Freddy’s legs were more active than his brain; 
and, liking better to pitch over a bar five feet high 
than to pitch into the members of the Bar, he joined the 
circus. Well, he soon became famous for his skillful and 
graceful horsemanship. ’Tis impossible to describe here 
the grace of his dance on horseback. 

Being a daring tumbler, he astonished, and even 
frightened, the audience by his strange, unnatural evolu- 
tions on the summit of a column, consisting of blocks of 
wood only, one foot in length, width, and thickness, piled 
without nail or cement, one above another, to the height 


16 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


of twenty ftei There did he often perform wonderful 
feats^among which was his celebrated ^^iEroverticorpus” — 
n line invented expressly for him, signifying a whirl of the 
body in the air — which was : standing upon his head on 
the column without the support of his hands, lowering 
his legs to a level with his chin, and, by a sudden jerk of 
tlie legs, springing about six feet into the air, thus 
enabling himself to turn his body twice before his head 
returned to its usual resting-place. His repeated success 
emboldened him to add more blocks to the column, until 
it attained the dizzy height of thirty feet ; and, on the 
evening of the — I forget the exact date — while, in the 
repetition of that evolution, he was lowering his legs as 
usual, the tottering column gave way, and the blocks 
tumbled down with a crash appalling to hear, bringing, 
of course, the unfortunate Freddy headlong to the 
ground, and when his head struck the last block, his 
neck broke. Thus died this most brilliant acrobat — a 
vic.im to the folly of trifling with his life. 



CHAPTEE IV. 

Clara Arabella was a rustic beauty, as was her 
mother before her marriage. She was as charming a 
chatter-box as ever talked nonsense all the day long ; a 
romp who loved to skip boisterously in the shady grove 
late in afternoons with her female companions and their 
l)eaux, and she was ever the foremost in playing at tag, 
hiding and seeking, and dancing jigs, ever and anon 
prattling as delightfully as could be imagined. With 
what a readiness of hand she accepted from her rustic 
friends presents, such as gowns of various colors, rings, 
earrings, etc., besides novels, of which she was very fond, 
and that with little display of gratitude ! She ought to 
have studied to please her donors by her graceful 



18 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


acknowledgment of their presents. Cold and careless 
thanks surely freeze the warm, generous blood of those 
who wish to be happy by bestowing material favors on 
their friends. 

It, however, must not be taken for granted that Clara 
was destitute of good qualities, for, in fact, she was a most 
handy help, and ever ready to do anything her mother 
desired. She might be seen skipping like a merry kid 
along the way to the brook with one, nay, two pails. To 

I 

be sure, she was always willing to obey her mother’s 
order to get water from the brook, for she knew well that 
one or two young idle monkeys — ^her admirers, of course — 
who were there, at some little distance from the stone- 
step on the shore, angling all day, would gladly carry 
home^ her pails brimful of water. Though she did not 
reject their services, yet she despised all lazy fellows, and 
looked with disgust on their wasting their time in idle- 
ness. On the contrary, she respected industrious mon- 
keys, and smiled more graciously on those who avoided 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


19 


strong drinks than on those who tasted them, for she 
declared that temperance makes gentlemen of monkeys, 
whatever might he their stations in society, and brings 
peace and happiness to their homes ; and intemperance, 
making beasts and demons of them, carried misery and 
violence over all the land. 

Notwithstanding her contempt for idlers, she liked 
their services on washing-days, as it was necessary to 
fetch as much water as possible from the brook for wash- 
ing purposes. On every Monday, early in the morning, 
might be seen a procession of at least a dozen of Rip Van 
Winkles (you should, by all means, read Washington 
Irving's story of Rip Van Winkle"), trudging 
patiently along home with pails and tubs filled to the 
brim with the crystal liquid, while Clara — a merry and 
mischievous coquette as she was — walked, skipped 
behind, sidelong, or before the procession, now and then 
encouraging the carriers, and grinning sweetly on the 


20 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


lusty fellows who carried the largest tub, because it had 
more water than the others ! 

By reason of Gusty's gentleness of heart, industry, and 
endeavors to improve her mind, she evinced a- sincere 
regard for him, and was glad to do anything that might 
tend to his comfort or happiness ; to demonstrate her 
sincerity, she read aloud to the toiling cobbler the last 
novel by Dickens, borrowed of the circulating library in 
Pungetown ; she also dressed for his dinner a wild duck — 
the fattest that could be found in that romantic region — 
in the best style of French cookery, fried the choicest 
venison steaks to perfection for his breakfast, and brewed 
the purest beer for his enjoyment, on the Sabbath day. 
A good daughter, that. 

At this moment I learn she is yet unmarried, though 
still surrounded by fresh admirers— the old ones having 
been driven away : several into the arms of other girls, 
le3S coquettish, but none the less charming to behold ; 
some, heart-broken and unhappy, to distant climes ; and 


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THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


21 


one, with a throat cut open, a skull shattered by a pistol- 
shot, or a body swollen with water — I forget which — to 
the examination of the coroner's jury to determine 
whether or not he committed self-murder. Among the 
fresh ones, if the report is true, Milford Lighthead has 
found favor in her eyes, won her heart, and is going to 
grace her left fourth finger with a wedding-ring. 

We shall, therefore, congratulate him upon his con- 
quest, and wish him and his bride longlife and happiness 
in his native land — Old, merry England. 




CHAPTER V. 

Gusty had a disease, which clung to his heart as a 
leech to the flesh. It was his second son, Achilles, who 
was as mischievous as mischievous could be. I don't 
know why Gusty gave him so illustrious a name ; hut I 
presume it was given for the purpose of showing his admira- 
tion for the hero of his favorite, Homer. Besides this son, 
he also named another son after our beloved Washing- 
ton, whose lofty honesty of purpose gained his affection ; 
and he used to declare that the old Greek philosopher, 
Diogenes, would have certainly found in him the honest 
man whom he long sought over all Greece with his lan- 
tern, had Washington lived in the days of Alexander 
the Great. 





THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


23 


Little Achilles was, during his infancy, so precocious 
a mischief-maker, that his father was more than once 
obliged to tie him to a place out of the reach of his 
bench, for Achy broke nearly all the awls, cut shoe sides 
open, and did many other tricks that could not have 
failed to make a man with the best temper in the world 
(like Gusty), jump wrathfully about, and threaten to 
hammer the skull of his pest of a son, flat on his lap- 
stone. In his boyhood, he was a genius in mischief. 
So many were his acts of this kind, that he was called 

the prince of mischief-makers. ^Tis impossible to com- 
memorate them all in this history,; but I shall be content 
to give you three instances, which I doubt not will en- 
tertain you : 

As an old gentleman, clad in a rusty, snuff-colored coat, 
of a fashion that flourished in the last year of the eight- 
eenth century, was conversing with Gusty at the door, 
doubtless about his boots, Achy, unseen by both the 
talkers, tied the tail of the gentleman^s wig with a very 


24 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


slender string, which he had beforehand thrown over n 
branch of a tree, standing just opposite the door, and 
secured in the garret. When, it being a sultry evening 
he took his hat off in order to wipe the perspiration from 
his forehead, his wig flew oft“ his head, ascended, swinging 
in all directions. Fancy the astonishment of the oL 
gentleman, as well as that of Gusty, when they saw th^ 
truant wig fly around gracefully above them, and'disappeav 
in the foliage ; and, after the wig had got flrmly entangled 
among the young branches and leaves, the tie, deft ^ 
flxed, was loosened by a mysterious jerk, and the string 

disappeared. 

Gusty went to the tree to ascertain if Achilles was not 
there, and found his suspicion groundless ; but stiJi, 
feeling sure that Achy had a hand in the trick, he wen 
into the house, and found the boy on his back on th'» 
floor, playing with the puppy, with an expression of great 
innocence on his face. Gusty endeavored to detect the 
least sign of guilt in the player^s eyes, but Achy continued 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


25 


Ills play with infantile glee. The cobbler scratched his 
nose, shook his head sagely, and looked at his leathern 
strap held in his hand, and then on the boy again. No 
sooner had he turned his head toward Achy, than the 
innocent and gleeful child, flat on the floor as hitherto, 
turned his eyes upon the receding person of his respected 
parent, and upon the strap, evidently intended to be used 
in whipping him ; and he grinned noiselessly, to his 
content. 

As to the wig, it was soon returned to the old gentle- 
man, who, happening to be a philosopher, tried in vain 
to account for the m3^sterious flight of his wig without 
wings or any other means of ascending whatever. 

All who knew the Scratchsides family said it was a 

}>it3^ that Achy had not inherited his father’s love of 

honesty ; moreover, nothing, they added, not even the 

whip, could cure that young sca])egrace of his thievish 

propensities. He was not proof against the allurements 

of ripe fruits in strange orchards, nor could he possibly 

2 


26 


THE SCRATCHSIDEg FA.MIEY, 


understand the sinfulness of taking hold of things which 
were not his own ; and, in spite of the constant exercise 
of the lash on his bare back, he continued to handle, 
smell, and taste the forbidden fruit. So, instead of 
going directly to his school, he often stole away to diifer- 
cnt farms to feast himself on luscious apples, peaches, or 
])eai-8. On one of these occasions he went to Farmer 
Jocko’s orchard ; aloft on the branch of a tree, filling his 
Irouser’s pockets Avith his booty, he espied, much to his 
terror, the larnier’s watch-dog standing at some distance 
from him, and looking in the direction of the tree, seem- 
ing to suspect that there was a thief in it ; this unwel- 
come sight unnerved him to such a degree as to cause 
liis fall to the ground, which seemed to confirm the dog’s 
suspicion, for he gave a significant yell, which the thief 
understood too well to wait for a meeting with the surly 
detective. So he scampered in hot haste to the nearest 
fince, leaving his cap and books behind him. The dog 
was not kehiml hand, for his baying rang louder and 




Tflii SCflATOltSlDIlS ^'aMILY. 


louderj indicating his swift approach, Scarcely had 
Achy cleared the fence when the pUrsUer arriVtd there, 
much disappointed at not being able to grasp the rogtle^s 
throat J still bent on his object, he crossed the fence, 
not without some difficulty and awkwardness that indeed 
widened the distance between him and the pursued, 
Besumirig the pursuit, he cried aloud 1 Stop thief 
The thrilling cry stirred the ears of all dogs along the 
way, and they joined him in the chase^-^all for pure fun, 
of course, Now, in the main street of the village, the 
people, attracted by the cry of Stop thief I’" rushed to 
their doors and beheld poor Achilles tearing along, with 
his trousers^ pockets swollen with the tangible proofs of 
his guilt, and the canine pursuers after him, Boon, out 
of the village, the chase was continued with unceasing 
vigor Up hill, down dale, across rye-field, through grove, 
over brook— ‘Twas a grand chase, which would have done 
English fox-hunters good to see ; though, it is true, it 
was that of a monkey (instead of a fox) chased by a 


28 


THE SCRATCHSIHES FAMILY. 


canitie rabble^ in which no aristocratic fox-hounds were 
found. 

At length, the thief, approaching the school-house, and 
finding the four-footed policemen quite close to his 
heels, adroitly turned his course, and sped round the 
building ; and seeing a window just opened by the 
schoolmaster, curious to know what on earth was the 
matter, as he had heard discordant sounds outside, the 
fugitive jumped through it, brushing the pen out of the 
astonished pedagogue’s mouth, and knocking down an 
urchin wearing a fool’s cap on his head, who by chance 
stood in his way. 

Old Switch had a parley with the guardians of prop- 
erty, and all agreed for the sake of Gusty, whose amiabil- 
ity and honesty they had learned to respect and admire, 
that Achilles, instead of being sent to the House of 
Kefuge, should undergo a wholesome drubbing from his 
master. So he took hold of the culprit, and inflicted on 
his back as many lashes as were desired by the judges at 










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THE SCRATCllSIDES FAMILY. 


2 <) 

the window, who were looking on the operation with 
exquisite pleasure. 

‘‘ One more lash growled Bruno. 

‘‘ Another exclaimed Caesar. 

‘‘Whip him more I” begged Pompey. 

“ Give him five more !” barked Cato. 

All these orders the schoolmaster would have obeyed 
with a will, had it not been for the generous interference 
of a noble- looking gentleman of the Newfoundland race, 
who, having just stopped to look in, commanded him to 
desist from his cruel work. Nevertheless, as Achy crept 
slowly, with an aching hack, and sore legs, arms, hands, 
and feet, to his place at the desk, the master suddenly 
recollected his absence fi om school, and gave him a severe 
slap on the head with his birch. And Achilles didn^t, 
nay, couldnH, sit on his bench, for he was overfatigued 
by the extraordinary chase and whipping. Thus he lay 
a long, a very long, time on the floor, chattering most 
piteously, and shedding tears of — penitence, we hope. 


30 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY, 


My good readers, as the common yellow soap is bitter 
to the taste, yet cleans everything, so Achy^s chastise- 
ment, however more severe than he could bear, produced 
a healthy result ; for, in fact, since that memorable 
morning, he neither visited any strange orchards again, 
nor did he any more play the truant from school. But, 
alas ! his love of mischief remained with him, and con- 
sequently subjected him to punishment. 

One day Signor Beruccimio was grinding his organ 
before the Scratchsides^ door, while his buffoon— a little, 
sickly child, after our own image- — ^made feeble antics, 
to the delight of the children, ever and anon uttering a 
cry of pain as his master pulled him rudely by a rope 
tied round his neck, in order to make him dance in a 
livelier manner to the music of the organ. The child 
devoured the fragments of bread, kindly given by Sera- 
phina — -thereby showing how little the owner cared about 
the health of his slave, on whom his own livelihood 
mainly depended. It further implied that he had tasted 


THE S^^RATCH, SIDES FAMILY. 


31 


the stale bread of cruelty more than the milk of kind- 
ness at the hands of his master. If you pity this sutfe:- 
ing child, you should also pity the real monkeys which 
we daily see playing about with the organ-grinders ; yon 
should take eoiapassion on the horses, toiling all the day 
and night to enrich their master, without any reward 
equivalent to their desert, save a few handfuls of fodder 
at each meal. However well taken care of, the race-horse 
is whipped or spurred to run far beyond the power of 
speed allotted to him, solely to secure wages for his 
owner-^a man of high standing in society, who there- 
by degrades himself to a level with the professional 
gambler. 

Now and then. Achy slyly pulled the child’s hair, re- 
peating this torment until Beruccimio perceived the 
cause of the agony he saw depicted on the child’s face, 
and sent, by a kick, the mischievous boy yelping away ; 
but Gusty, muttering dire epithets against his son, 
seized one of his ears, shook and twisted it until he bel- 


32 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


lowed with pain, and banished him to the furthest place 
in the yard, where he was to stay till the hour of supper, 
under the penalty of castigation in case of his disobe- 
dience. 

There, alone and shunned by all, even his own puppy, 
now a gi’own dog, Achilles squatted for hours, watching 
the house, rubbing the part which received the organ- 
grinder^s kick, smoothening the ear which his father 
wrung, and hunting fleas in his hair. You know the 
monkeys and fleas are inseparable foes. Good. Every 
one who treats inoffensive creatures with wanton cruelty 
will surely find his reward, certainly as painful to him as 
his torment to the dumb sufferers. 




* CHAPTER VI. 

As MIGHT be expected from tbeir tender years, Sera- 
phina, not yet in her teens, and George Washington, no 
longer an infant, had done nothing worth recording here. 
They were quiet children, always obedient to their 
parents. Georgy, however, had a passion for the sound 
of the drum, and used to march about the yard, 
shouldering a stick as a gun. Hence, the cronies of the 
village foretold his high position in the world as a mili- 
tary man, like his great namesake. 

2 ^ 





C H A P T P: E VII.- 

Gusty had an older brother, named Nicholas, whom 
he had not seen since his unlucky marriage. This 
brother inherited the whole fortune of the late Philip 
Scratchsides, Esquire. In obedience to the conditions in 
the Will, he never gave Gusty one penny. Not that lie 
was of a cruel disposition, because he did not send his 
brother, the cobbler, any crumbs of comfort, but he 
feared the forfeit, stated in the said Will in this wise : In 
case of my son Nicholas disregarding the conditions em- 
bodied in my Will and Testament, or speaking to 
Augustus Scratchsides, whom I have formally disowned, 
on account of his clandestine marriage with a low-born 
person, the whole real and personal property shall be 
taken from my son Nicholas, and lie divided equally 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


35 


among the charitable institutions, the names of which 
will be found below.’" Besides, Mr. Nicholas Scratch- 
sides, somewhat of a miser, loved the jingle of his silver 
and gold coins, and the sight of bis bank-notes, deeds, 
stocks, mortgages, etc.; hence his fear of the forfeit, 
though great might be his fraternal affection for the fel- 
low who married Polly Gribb. 

Nicholas was, in his younger days, a politician — first 
Federal, then Democrat, and finally Whig. He had his 
own reasons why he donned so many political coats. 
Doubtless his patriotism was greater than his faithful- 
ness to any one party in which he thought corruption 
had taken root. 

Here an opportunity is offered to me to give you, my 
young patriots, an insight into the political world,, 
especially that on this side of the Atlantic, that you may 
know what our politicians are, and how to place true 
patriots at the heads of all our governments. The fol- 
lowing story is no work of imagination. When you are 


THE SCRATCH8IDES FAMILY. 

grown up, you will meet with many such politicians of 
my description, and may see many similar scenes on elec- 
tion days. 

Strong though his love for his country might he, 
Nicholas, in common with weak-minded patriots, allowed 
himself to he tempted to run for Congress, and, in en- 
deavoring to secure his election, he spent about ten 
thousand dollars in buying votes of his fellow-citizens. 
The election day came, and he moved nervously about 
the bar-room among his supporters in their unclean 
shirts, chattered with some, who had hats much the 
worse for wear, and drank whiskey of doubtful purity 
with those whose boots had gaping holes. Our aristo- 
cratic candidate, having drank bad whiskey and inhaled 
the fumes of bad tobacco, made good his escape ; but 
soon he was dragged, like a sheep to the slaughter, to 
another bar-room to treat other friends — I mean those 
whose votes he had bought, or wished to buy. Thus 
was his day spent, till the polls closed, when be was 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


37 


brought homo, drunk as an aldeiman, with his fob 
emptied of his gold watch, and his pocket pulled out, 
suggestive of the theft of his pocket-book. On the fol- 
lowing morning, Nicholas Scratchsided, Esq., learning 
that only five more votes would have secured his elec- 
tion, grimaced dolefully at the idea that he had paid ten 
thousand dollars, to say nothing of extra expenses at the 
bar and elsewhere, for nothing but defeat. “ Too dear 
for a whistle,” groaned he, recollecting Benjamin Frank- 
lin’s whistle ; yet I didn’t get the whistle after all !” 
And he swooned. 

You see he was a politician, eager after a bubble. 
Politicians with pure, solid patriotism — in other words, 
those who love their country better than their respective 
parties, who would not buy votes to secure their elec- 
tion, and who would lay their political creeds aside, at 
Congress or anywhere else, and devote their minds to the 
welfare of their country, are few, very few, indeed. 

A long, burning fever cured our disappointed candi- 


38 


THE .SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


date of politics ; and he reappeared in the streets an 
altered man, clad in a new suit of garments — the old 
one, stained all over with whisky and tobacco-juice, hav- 
ing been consigned to a fire in his garden, together witli 
all his canvassing speeches published in newspapers. 



CHAPTEE VIII. 

Finding his large old mansion seriously in need of a fair 
mistress, he made a long search for a wife, and success- 
fully found one who he believed would be an excellent 
companion and housekeeper. Arrangements were duly 
made ; he was inveigled by her smiles, grace of manners, 
and vivacity of tongue, into presenting her, at different 
times, with sums amounting to fifteen thousand dollars, 
all in gold. The wedding-day came, and the bridegroom, 
radiant with joy, went to the house of his bride’s father, 
heard loud lamentations in the parlor, and, as he entered 
it, was shocked to learn that she had eloped with her 
father’s handsome coachman to parts unknown. And 
Nicholas disappeared. 



40 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


Week after week, month after month, had elapsed, and 
nothing was heard of him. His confidential lawyer did 
not in the least. appear to be alarmed at his disappearance, 
though he ofiered in newspapers a large reward for the 
recovery of the body of his patron. 

It was late in the afternoon of a chilly and rainy day, 
when a stranger, hat slouched down on eyes, and cloak 
round figure and face, was observed standing, motionless 
as a statue, before a house in one of the most secluded 
streets of Cancanis. He presently knocked at the door, 
which was opened by a servant ; he asked if John Brown 
lived there, and, the answer being given in the affirmative, 
went up to the parlor as was directed, and found John 
Brown alone, sitting in his arm-chair, smoking his cigar, 
with his slippered feet upon the table. 

Mr. Brown, on seeing the stranger before him, rose, 
and was going to bow, but the man of the slouched hat 
stopped the action by the words which follow : 


Are you not Jake Snikes ? 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


41 


“ I have not the pleasure of knowing you, sir,'^ replied 
John Brown, bowing gracefully, but loftily. 

See me, and know who I am I” roared the the visitor, 
throwing oif his cloak and hat. 

Ah ! I see and know you, Mr. Nicholas Scratchsides.^' 
You are a scoundrel V retorted Mr. Scratchsides. 

‘^Good — my dear sir,'' grinned Jake Snikes. Mrs. 
Snikes, I regret to say, is up stairs, engaged with her 
dancing-master ; but she will be happy to see her old 
friend this evening, or ariy other, time you appoint." 

Mr. Scratchsides was silent, gazing at the ex-coach- 
man with a grimace bespeaking a volcano within his 
bosom, ready to discharge its hot lava of wrath on the 
head of the fellow who stole the girl from him, while 
Jake Snikes threw his cigar into the fire-place, sat down 
in his chair again, and contemplated his grimacing 
visitor's ears, nose, and legs, as if they belonged to one of 
the horses of Mrs. Snike's father, in his former charge. Ke- 
gaining his composure, Nicholas picked up his hat and 


42 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


cloak, and left the house without the least nod of the 
head to Mr. Bnikes. A friend of his, Col. Gruff, U. S. A., 
shortly after, called on the ex-coaehman with a challenge 
to fight a duel with Mr. Scratchsides, which was coolly 
accepted. The duel took place outside of the walls of 
the city, and Nicholas received a shot in the leg, which 
rendered him lame for life. 




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\ VMVU* 



CHAPTER IX. 

Years rolled by ; Scratchsides Hall still stood in all 
its grand solitude, and its isolated occupant limped to 
and fro in the library, thinking about nothing but money. 
He hoarded gold and silver, bought more lands, more 
shares in rail-roads, more U. S. bonds, and tendered moi*e 
loans, secured by mortgage. 

Being an old bachelor, and fearing that he might I e 
poisoned by servants, he cooked his own food in his bed- 
chamber. True, he had two servants, w^ho ministered to 
his comfort in all things except cooking coffee or tea and 
eggs. Meat of all kinds he seldom touched, for he didn't 
see the use of eating it. A poor pretext : in order to save 
expense, I suspect. 

From his habitual melancholy and seclusion fiom 


44 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


society, he was afflicted with something like' a mental 
disease, or, at least, a sort of insanity. But I may, per- 
haps, be mistaken on this point, and therefore shall best 
leave it to the able physiologists, a class of persons who 
perfectly understand the causes of the ills to which the 
flesh is heir. 

Nicholas was what we call a hypochondriac, or one who, 
in perfect health, really believes himself sick. It is noc 
a hypochondriac, but a liar, who says he is sick, when, 
at the same time, he knows that he is well. Many 
curious and laughable stories are told of hypochondriacs. 
Among these is one of a man who, believing he was an 
umbrella, placed himself against the corner of his room. 

Although Nicholas was a hypochondriac, he was by no 
means a crazy man, for he spoke arid acted like a rational 
person. But you ask whether Don Quixote was a hypo- 
chondriac when he believed the wind-mills were giants, 
or a crazy man, as he spoke rationally. 

Before I rejriy to this question, it seems best to stale 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


45 ^ 


who Bon Quixote was, for many of my young readers may r 
have never read the entertaining story— -a fiction, of course 
—of Don Quixote. He was described to be an old and 
highly respectable gentleman, who resided in La Mancha, 
Spain. He read novels abounding in errant knights, 
distressed maidens, giants, and dragons, which finally 
turned his head and made him believe he was born to be 
a knight, to deliver distressed women from giants ; and in 
this character he roamed over the land, and met with 
many adventures, which were as laughable as they were 
absurd. In almost every fight he got worsted. 

The inquiry is whether Don Quixote was a hypochon- 
driac. I, for one, think he was, if I understand the true 
sense of the term aright. Mr. Nicholas Scratch sides was 
not at all a Don Quixote in taking wind-mills for giants, 
sheep for guards, or show-puppets for living Turks ; nor 
did he possess the chivalry of the generous knight of La 
Mancha, for he never delivered his distressed sister-in- 
law and nieces from abject poverty. But as Don Quixote 


TttK SCRATCaStDES FAMILY, 


46 

attacked the imaginary giants, guards, and Turks, so 
Nicholas called loudly for physicians, when he fancied 
the cholera was waging war with Him. Thus, from this 
])arallel, an opinion may he deduced that both were 
hypochondriacs, not crazy beings, and therefore they spoke 
rationally during the abseiise of their respective fancies. 

1 am sorry to say that we have in our midst many 
hypochondriacs of a kind far different from that of the 
above-named persons ; for instance, such as honestly as- 
sert that they are entitled to a place of eminence in their 
spheres, their merits proving to the contrary, notwith- 
standing. 

To return to Nicholas Scratchsides. In one of his 
spells he jumped out of his bed, and rang the bell vio- 
lently for the servant, who, however, did not hasten to 
answer the summons until several minutes had elapsed. 
As he entered the room with a lighted lamp, he beheld 
his master dancing around against his will, with both 
his hands pressed hard on his stomach. 


am SCRATCItSlDES FAMILY. 


47 


What is the matter with you, master asked Tom. 

‘‘ IVe the cholera again, cried Nicholas. Run for 
the doctor without delay. 

Tom looked at the clock, and finding it was past two 
in the morning, and knowing it was cutting cold out of 
doors, sighed for his warm bed, scratched his head, and 
looked at the clock again. 

Get off V* yelled the sufferer, dancing more fran- 
tically. 

Which doctor ?’’ inquired Tom. 

‘‘ Dr. Liquorice,^* answered Nicholas. “ Tell Mary to 
make me a hot brandy punch. Get off, quickly.^' 

Dr. Liquorice I He lives five miles from here,^^ 
grimaced the servant. Why not Dr. Von Tenpills ; 
he lives quite near us.'^^ 

No roared the master, Von Tenpills is a hum- 
bug ; I want Liquorice ; get thee off, old Ape V* 

Tom saddled old Swiftfoot,'^ — Twas the name of a 
giey-hound, venerable in years^ btit still a good r tinner. 


48 


THE SGRi^TCltSlDES- TArMlLY;- 


Warmed inside by whiskey, and outside by ah overcoat 
and neck- wrapper, he sped on his mission, passing suc- 
cessively five mile-stones, arid reached the house, 
where, on the second story in the rear, slept Abernethy 
Liquorice, M. D. Mrs. Liquorice awoke, and aroused the 
shoring doctor, saying: ‘‘I hear the bell. Her hus-^ 
band grunted, turned on the other side, and shut his 
eyes again. 

Another ring — much louder than the first. Soon Dr. 
Liquorice was before the, rider, to whom he dropped a 
nod of recognition. 

Doctor, Mr. Scratchsides has the cholera,” said Tom. 

The cholera, eh 

Yes, doctor,” replied the servant. 

The old story again ?” asked the doctor. 

As Tom was a man of discretion, and honored his 
master, or rather his purse, he said nothing, but shrugged 
his shoulders. 

“ Scratchsides is a fool !” growled Abernethy. 


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t'llE SCUATCllStDES FAMILY. 


49 


” A wise man/’ protested Tom, remembering the small 
addition to his wages on the preceding day. 

Well, I’ll go with you directly,” answered the physi- 
cian, who thought it was the best policy to humor a 
wealthy fool for the sake of a fat fee. It was not till 
after six o’clock that they arrived at Scratchsides Hall. 

Dr. Liq^uorice, after bowing in his best style, proceeded 
to feel his patron’s pulse, which he found was regular — 
undisturbed by any disorder whatever. Nevertheless, he 
continued, with an averted face, feeling the pulse, at the 
same time inquiring at what hour the dread cholera had 
appeared, whether the patient had vomited, and what 
remedy had been given to him. Keceiving no reply, 
he went to the medicine, which the nurse was still stirring 
in the tumbler, smelt it, and looked with elevated eye- 
brows at her ; he then tasted, and sipped and resipped 
it — the hot brandy punch, which he thought was sweet 
— good for him on such a chilly morning, — and sipped 
it again. Unseen by the hypochondriac, he begged V - 


50 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


nurse, in an undertone, to make him another tumbler- 
ful, if not a mugful, of the same remedy, for he, too, had 
the cholera. The sly doctor also, nudging her, whispered : 

Don’t let the old gentleman see it.” After which he 
returned to the would-be-sick man, and, assuming a pro- 
tessional face, said : Oh, poor monkey ! let me look at 
your tongue ?” 

The tongue, as red as Vermillion, was thrust out, and 
the man of physic inspected it with his goggles. ‘^White, 
very white,” muttered he ; but there is no danger what- 
ever, and the hot medicine is good — capital— very. Tak- 
ing the tumbler from the nurse, he poured into the punch 
a fluid which he was in the habit of carrying in a large 
phial. ’Twas S-T-1860-X Plantation Bitters. While 
doing so, he turned to Mr. Scratchsides, and said : Thi& 

fluid is the foe whom your cholera fears most.” 

Some minutes after, having just drank in the kitchen 
the mugful of punch which the good woman had prepared 
lor him, Abernethy Li(][uori€e, M. D., turned his nose 


THE SCRATCHSIDES EaMILY. 


51 


liomeward through the snow-hakes which floated merrily 
down to whiten all nature : preparing, as it were, a wel- 
come for the following day, Christmas. 




CHAPTEH X. 

Crack: 1 Crack I The horses tl-otted afresh, hut sooti 
slackened their speed again, and a stage foiled slowly 
up a hill near the Oatskill Mountains. As it was a 
bright August morning, all nature — the Highlands, trees 
of all species, and wild flowers^ — reveled in grandeur, 
beauty, and fragrance ; the birds flew from tree to tree, 
filling the air with their melodies : it was just what the 
weary occupants of the stage wished to enjoy the sight 
of, after a miserable night passed in their pfison on 
wheels. 

Among the travelers was an old gentleman, who ap- 
peared to be wholly lost in contemplating the glories of 
the panorama spread before him ; but the young ladies, 



THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


53 


instead of partaking of hit admiration of nature, chattered 
about dress and beauty. 

Uncle Toby gave me a beautiful gown of scarlet silk, 
which I mean to wear at Mrs. J ocko's party next week,'' 
said one of the fair chatter-boxes. Will you go there, 
Clara 

“Yes, dear Alice," replied the girl addressed ; “but 
I've no kind uncle like yours, to delight my heart with 
such a present." 

“ But father says your Uncle Nicholas is very rich — 
owns a beautiful house, while his brother — your father — 
lives a cobbler, in a hovel." 

“ Oh, don't say any more, " besought Clara, much dis- 
tressed at the truth thus displayed. 

“ I hear your uncle is an old bachelor — oh, I wish I 
could set my cap for him — lame and old ! I don't mind 
that, for he's so rich," chattered the silly tormentor. 

The old gentleman turned his heavy eyes to Clara, 
who angrily answered, “ Tush, Alice, you must not speaJ* 


54 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


disrespectfully of my uncle ; my father says I must re- 
spect and love him, though I may never see him.” 

The gentleman, turning to the driver, asked how far 
Pungetown was from that place, and ascertaining that the 
village was quite near, expressed a wish to walk up the 
road thither, for he was stiff in the knees by long sitting 
in the coach. Accordingly, he left the coach, and was 
soon in deep thought as he trudged along a path in the 
forest through which the road passed ; hut instead of 
keeping in sight the path parallel with the road, he 
strayed into another, and thence into a pathless part of 
the forest, where he continued wandering until he awoke 
from his reverie ; and, frightened by his actual position, 
he elbowed his way through brush, weeds, and young 
trees, knowing neither where he was, or whither he was 
going. Perceiving, at last, an opening afar, he proceeded 
thither, and reaching it, found himself on the rocky slope 
of a mountain, where he noticed a girl and boy picking 
blackberries, and accosting them, said, in the gentlest tone 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 5b 

(as lie observed their fright at seeing a stranger so sud- 
denly confronting them ia a lonely place), that he was lost 
in the forest, couldn’t find any path leading to the high- 
way, and would reward them liberally for leading him 
to the desired road. Assured by his kind and gentle- 
manly manner and voice, they readily consented to do so. 
Taking in their hands their baskets, which were fortu- 
nately filled with berries before he came to them, the 
girl and boy walked on, followed by the stranger, blowing 
and wiping his forehead and whiskers with a red cotton 
handkerchief, and evidently rejoiced to think tnai he 
was not fated, like the Babes in the Wood, ” to perish 
in such a horrid place, in which nature allowed trees in 
all their native wildness to grow so lavishly. 

Beaching the desir ed road, he gave each two fifty-cent 
pieces, and, patting their heads benignantly, said : 

Thank you, my pretty children ; many thanks. Hope 
to see you again. Pray, tell me your names ?” 

‘‘ Seraphy,” answered the girl, modestly. 


56 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


Georgy/’ replied the hoy. 

Pretty names, I see. What is the n.ame of your 
father ?” asked the gentleman. 

Gusty Scratchsides, sir,” replied the children. 

The stranger, startled by this answer, as if it were 
the report of a gun discharged just behind his head, 
abruptly left them, with a face longer than usual, and 
pale as ashes. 



] 




CHAPTEK XI. 

Father, see, we have four pieces,'' exclaimed Sera- 
phina, showing the coins to Gusty. 

How did you get them asked the wondering 
father. 

A gentleman gave them to us in the woods." 

Who was he ?” demanded the cobbler. 

He didn’t tell us his name, but we told him our 
names." 

Is he young ?” 

No ; but old and lame," replied the boy. 

^^Old and lame !" exclaimed Clara, who had arrlv(‘.l 
home an hour back. 

Has he not a deep scar on his nose ?” 

Yes," answered Georgy. 

8 =^ 



58 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


Gusty elevated his eyebrows, twisted his mouth, but 
said nothing, and listened attentively to the whole story, 
as also to Clara's account of the gentleman on the road. 
He, however, took the money. On the morrow, at an 
early hour in the morning, the lame old gentleman, who 
was tarrying at Pungetown Hotel, received a small 
package from a waiter, and, opening it, found four fifty- 
cent pieces, with an inscription on a piece of paper, as 
follows : 

“ Sir, remember the Will. — A. S." 

Long, very long, he sat in his chair, with his head 
drooping on his breast, thinking : ever and anon glancing 
at the inscription still held in his hand, and then resum- 
ing his cogitations. The dinner-bell rang, but he heeded 
it not ; and before sunset his room was vacated. 

As usual, the happy cobbler toiled on, driving the awl, 
hammering leather, and pegging heels — ocasionally whis- 
tling, cheerily, to the mocking-bird in the cage hung 
by the door, so that he might banish from his mind tlu 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


59 


lame old gentleman and liis four fifty-cent pieces, which 
haunted it continually. While Gusty was thus employed 
at his bench, Nicholas Scratchsides, in his stately, yet 
lonely Hall, was from day to day to be seen in consulta- 
tion with his lawyer upon a subject, the nature of which 
might be guessed, from seeing the Will of the late Philip 
Scratchsides, Esquire, laying upon the table before them. 

At length, after much labor, fraught with perplexity, 
Nicholas^ eyes glowed with a light difficult to describe, 
and his grin was as grim as that of the fleshless repre- 
sentation of death, when he saw his own Will and 
Testament fully drawn up by the lawyer, and signed by 
himself and two trustworthy witnesses. 

Three months had scarcely passed since the time that 
ghastly grin had illuminated Nicholas' face, when Dr. 
Abernethy Liquorice was observed to mount the marble 
steps of Scratchsides Hall, which fact spread like wild-fire 
among the good dames in the neighborhood, and they 
chattered derisively that Nicholas was once more a 


60 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


liypocliontlriac, with the old complaint raging within 
him. Soon Dr. Yon Tenpills came in^ and after him, 
entered Doctors Femur and Pestle, greatly to the wonder- 
ment of the neighbors. The physicians paid their visits 
to the sick room in the morning, afternoon, and night, 
for a week ; at the end of that time, a long piece of 
black crape was seen dangling from the bell-handle, 
which announced to the world that Nicholas Scratchsides 
was no more. As might naturally be expected, the tongues 
of all gossips were kept busy all the day in speculating 
on the exact wealth and likely heirs of the deceased 
millionaire. 




CHAPTEK XII. 

A WELL-DRESSED stranger knocked at tke door of the 
hovel where sat Gusty in his old trousers, red flannel 
shirt, and with shoes that had seen better days, and an 
old apron smeared all over with wax and dirt, polishing 
the sole, edge, and heel of a boot. It was opened by Dame 
Scratchsides, who was without shoes and in a patched 
petticoat : nearly in the same style of dress in which she 
first appeared before the fashionable young sportsman at 
the brook. The gentleman inquired if Mr. Augustus 
Scratchsides was at home. Finding such to be the case, 
he introduced himself to the cobbler, with the best bow 
he could possibly make, as Jacob Kedtape, Attorney to 
the late Nicholas Scratchsides ; and he stated his object 
in the following words : 



62 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


Sir, I have the honor of informing you that your 
brother, Nicholas Scratchsides, has departed this life.” 

Dead !” exclaimed Gusty. 

Yes, sir replied Mr. Red tape, surprised at tlr 
cobbler's ignorance of the fact. 

When did be die 

On the twenty-fifth day of March last.” 

Of what complaint 

Of cholera.” 

‘Wery sorry to here it,” remarked Gusty, feeling 
sincere sorrow. 

And I, too, because he has been so good a patron to 
me,” answered the lawyer, looking hard at the cobbler. 

Your brother has recently made a Will in your favor, 
bequeathing to you his whole property, real and personal.” 

The brain of Augustus — no more Gusty — was in a 
whirl ; the repaired boot fell from his knefts, to be 
replaced there no more. It was a long time that 
elapsed before he realized the fact that he was actually 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


63 


in possession of so vast a fortune ! But, as it was the 
first of April, Achilles, who had been industriously en- 
gaged in fooling persons in the street, and heard Mr. 
Eedtape repeat the fact that his father was an heir, 
laughed aloud, saying : Father you've been capitally 
fooled. " Mr. Kedtape, surprised at the boy's saucy re- 
mark, asserted that he was in earnest, at the same time 
handing to the heir his brother's Will, which he had sat- 
isfied himself was perfectly genuine, and not an April joke. 

After a long conversation between Augustus and the 
lawyer concerning his father's Will, in which he was 
pleased to learn that nothing was inserted forbidding 
Nicholas to bequeath his property to him, the man of 
law rose to take leave of the new possessor of the 
Scratchsides Estate ; but he was pressed to taste the 
beer which Miss Clara Arabella had brewed on the pre- 
ceding day, and he graciously drank it out of the tin 
cup which the peddler had awarded to the honest cobbler : 
of tumblers, in fact, there was none in the house. 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


CA 

It would be a difficult task to express the joy which 
reigned supreme in the hovel. Mr. Augustus Scratch- 
sides, still in his red shirt and with his old night-cap 
on his head, embraced his wife, now a grand lady : be- 
stowing a benignant grimace of affection on her, and 
another on Clara, Seraphina, George, even Achilles him- 
self ; and was very merry when he found his back 
ornamented with many long tails of paper and rag. The 
chief source of their joy was a very large roll of bank-notes 
which was given to Augustus in the most delicate manner 
by the considerate lawyer, that they might prepare 
themselves to occupy the Hall. 

Mr. Kedtape was seen a half hour later in his room at 
the hotel, scrubbing his right hand, in order to rid it ot 
the horrid wax which the cobbler left on it when shaking 


hands with him. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

I AM sure if you had visited Scratchsides Hall two 
years after, you would hardly have recognized the cobbler 
in the person of the tine elderly gentleman, inclined to 
corpulency, who might be seen lounging on a sofa of 
the most superb workmanship, and reading the journals 
of the day ; Dame Polly Scratchsides, a beautiful lady, 
in a satin dress of the latest fashion, with a love of a 
waterfall on her head, and with sparkling diamonds on 
all her fingers ; the coquettish pail-carrier, a lovely young 
lady, playing on the piano-forte under the ey(.‘S of Pro- 
fessor Solo ; and the sneak thief and pest of Pungetown, 
a handsome, dashing young dandy, sporting shirt and 
wrist-cuif studs of gold and pearls of a stunning size, 
as he minced through the spacious hall on his way to his 



68 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


aud his name is everywhere blessed. Having been long 
habituated to industry, and a return to his old trade being 
out of the question, he attended the Stock Exchange, 
in Mammon City, where he passed a portion of the 
time in buying stocks of the Bulls and Bears. It 
is perhaps necessary to explain the terms, Bulls ” and 
“ Bears. They are given to a class of dishonest persons 
who live on the credulity of their inexperienced dupes. 
The Bull assures you that the Moonshine Kail-Koad is 
good, when he knows perfectly well that he tells an un- 
truth, in order to tempt you to purchase his shares ; and 
the Bear, on the other hand, tells you falsely that the 
Spuyten Duyvil Kiver Kail-Koad is had, so that you will 
he anxious to sell to him your shares of that really excel- 
lent concern at much reduced prices. Kememher this 
definition, and, when you grow to manhood, avoid them 
both. 

By reason of Mr. Scratchsides’ ignorance of the wiles of 
Mammon City, he purchased of a Bull several hundred 


I'ME Sc;tlATcHBlt)E8 


69 


shares of the Moonshine Rail^Roadj at one hundred dol* 
lars per share \ but finding out the truth, he muttered 
that the Bull should be felled, and a few choice steaks be 
cut out and cooked by Miss Clara Arabella for his break* 
fast ; he also Sacrificed to a Bear all his shares of the 
Spuyten Duy\^il River RaihRoad, at prices far lower than 
their true value; and our poor friend wished all the toad* 
fishes of the Spuyten Duyvil River to eat the carcass of 
his deceiver. But he learned from those little experiences 
lessons good and Useful for his future course ; and ever 
since, in all his transactions of business and his acts of 
benevolence, he has listened to and acted upon the advice 
of good and prudent persons of long experience. 





CHAPTER XIV. 

“ Achilles, come into my study with me,^^ said Mr, 
Scratchsides to his son, as they rose from the table in 
the dining-room. The dandy wondered what the old 
Governor wanted him there for. 

My son,^^ resumed the father^ who had just taken his 
seat in. the most comfortable position possible, with his 
right knee over the left^ I want you to go to Singe 
College/^ 

Singe College 

Yes ; Singe College."'^ 

When shall I go there asked the hopeful son, 
thinking of the fine, jolly times in store for him at the 
college. 

‘‘Immediately. YouVe done well with your studies pre- 



THE scratch SIDES FAMILY. 


71 


paratory lor the coUege J your master told me so. Good, 
my boy. Trite, your love of mischief still sticks to you/' 

The mischief-maker grinned, and the good-humored 
father caught the contagion, and also grinned. 

“ Stop exclaimed Mr. Scratchsides, stroking his 
nose. You must not play tricks there/' 

Why not 

« Why not T' What do you mean by your question ?" 
demanded the sire, looking suspiciously at the youth. 

“ Oh, no ; I didn't mean to say I should play tricks at 
the college, answered Achilles, humbly. 

Son, remember you will incur my hot displeasure if 
you perpetrate mischief on any of your fellow-students."' 

‘‘ But they will play fool of me : why shouldn’t I re- 
turn the compliment with interest ?" 

“ No, no; you should forgive them,"' replied Augustus, 
gravely.'" I've seen poor students forgive their torment** 
ors— seen their beds under the sheet strewed all over 
with burs 1 yet they forgave those who did it once saw 


TMJi SOUATOHSiDfiS FAMILY. 


72 

one shed tears at the sight of his best coat cut into 
shreds ! He was poor, and couldn^t afford to get another 
new coat. Oh, imitate their noble spirit, my boy 

Strew their beds with burs under the sheet, said 
Achilles to himself. And Mr. Scratchsides remarked : 

This is an old custom, carried on from year to year, in 
all colleges here and abroad. Kothing can destroy it, 
1 believe, but the State Legislatures. They can make 
new laws prohibiting this disgraceful practice, under the 
penalty of banishment or severe punishment.^* 

In a week or so after the above conversation, Achilles 
Scratchsides, alighting from a hack, crossed the grounds 
of Singe College, where several students were strolling 
about. 

See his yellow kid-gloves,** shouted one to another 
at some distance from him. 

I see them,** replied the other, with a coarse laugh. 
“ Wonder if his mother knows he*s out ? ** 

Achilles, stung to the quick, turned to the speaker, and 





I 



THE SCRA^TCHSIDES FAMILY. 


73 


demanded if he meant to insult him. A general laugh 
followed this demand. 

Did I insult you, my pretty hoy asked the second 
speaker. 

Did I, my sweet infant popped in the first. 

Won’t he treat us ?” suggested a third. 

With an oyster supper 

And|champagne, too ^ 

And cigars 

The aggrieved dandy said nothing, hut regarded each 
one of them from his crown to his feet with such pro- 

a 

found contempt that it stung their hearts to the very core. 

The second speaker came towards him to twist his ear ; 

but Achilles, perceiving his movements, gave him a slap 

on the nose with the back of his gloved hand, which sent 

him yelping backward. Enraged at this unexpected 

return of his insult, the second speaker again returned 

with clenched fists to our hero, who, being a hardy 

mountain boy, and having learned the noble science of 

4 


74 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


boxing’^ under Tim. Smasher, threw himself into a prize- 
ring attitude, and gave him a stunning blow on the right 
eye, thus bringing him down to kiss his mother earth ; 
turning to the first speaker, he tendered his compliments 
with a blow on the nose, and then wheeled towards the 
other students who had asked if he wouldn't treat them 
with an oyster supper," champagne," and “cigars," 
for the purpose of blackening their eyes or cracking their 
noses ; but the cowards dodged the threatened punishment 
by running behind the venerable President of the College 
who had just gone there to stop the row ; Achilles pur- 
sued them round the moving obstacle, and succeeded in 
treating one of them to a hearty kick ; and the victor, 
catching the second by the ear, would have struck his 
pate to make him see the stars dance a Virginia jig, 
had Dr. Magnus not thrust his hand between Achilles' 
fist and the victim's head. Kecognizing the old gentle- 
man by his spectacles, the brave youth stepped a few feet 
back, bowed most respectfully to him, begged his pardon 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 75 

for disturbing the peace within his province, and stated 
his name and object in coming to the College : Upon which 
the Doctor shook hands with him, and welcomed him 
gladly as the son and nephew of his old friends and school- 
mates, Augustus and Nicholas Scratchsides. Turning 
to the guilty parties, the President exclaimed : Served 
rightly. I saw the whole occurrence — heard your insult- 
ing language to him ; it is not he, but you, that ought 
to beg my pardon. Well punished, I see. Good! To 
your rooms But Achilles, being highly gratified at 
his reception by Dr. Magnus, begged permission to invite 
them and all the other students to an “oyster supper'*' 
that very evening. This request granted, he advanced 
to the one whose nose he bruised, saying : “ Let us shake 
hands with each other The fellow, wiping the blood 
off his nose, attempted something like a smile of grati- 
tude, oddly blended with a grimace of pain, caused by. 
the vice-like pressure of Achilles' hand ; and the same 
invitation was tendered to the fellow of the blackened 


76 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


eye, but he growled and sneaked away, passing through 
the sneering students whom he was wont to bully, and 
before the gaze of the beautiful Misses Magnus, at the 
window of their bed chamber, with whom he occasionally 
flirted. 

The promised entertainment went off to the satis- 
faction of all present. At its conclusion, the host ad- 
dressed his guests in this wise : Gentlemen, I render 
you my thanks for your prompt acceptance of my invita- 
tion to this modest repast. I hoi)e we shall henceforth 
be fast friends.^’ Applause, and vows of friendship 
exchanged, and bumpers drank through bent arms. 

Thank you,'' resumed the speaker. ‘‘ Though I have 
long been a mischief-maker " — Ha ! ha !" yelled the de- 
lighted students. Achilles again proceeded to speak : 

Yet I shall have no hand in the custom which all col- 
lege boys love to practice. But, gentlemen, allow me to 
say that I shall always be found at my room. No. 16, 
Singe College, ready to protect any poor students from 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


77 


tlieir tormentors as well as these fists of mine will enable 
me to do. Good evening, sirs.^^ 

You will be pleased to learn that Achilles has been 
faithful to his word that he would he a protector to 
persecuted students, for he has fought several battles in 
their behalf. True it is that he doesn't like fighting- 
hut he is obliged to take into his hands the right of pun- 
ishing vicious boys, since the Professors are found incapa- 
ble. of repressing or abolishing the odious custom. 

Wishing to join the Singe College Boat Club, and 
having doubts as to its propriety, he wrote to his father 
for advice, and received the paternal answer, as follows : 

“My worthy son — In reply to your in(][uiry as to 
whether you might join the Singe College Boat Club or 
not, I say that as rowing is a very healthy exercise, and 
eminently calculated to develop the chest and muscular 
system, I should advise you to join the Club — only pro- 
vided that you do not exercise to excess (for over rowing 
cannot fail to injure your respiratory organs, by pro- 


78 


THE SCRATCHSIDES FAMILY. 


cliicing unnecessary perspiration), and that you will not 
participate in racing for wagers, which I strongly condemn 
as derogatory to good morals. Betting lowers one's man- 
liness, and breeds vanity, selfishness, extravagance in 
triumph, anguish at defeat, and indulgence in strong 
drinks and angry feelings. 

If the Club has rules enforcing its members to run 
races for silver cups or wagers, you will not join it a 
all, but purchase for yourself a good boat, for which pur- 
pose I send you the bank-note inclosed, and then select 
the best and most vktuous boys for your rowing com- 
panions. 

My dear Achy, I am rejoiced to hear from Dr. Mag- 
nus that you have been a good boy. I hope you will 
])rove a shining ornament to society. 

With the exception of George Washington, who has 
the measles, we all enjoy good health, as usual. 

Your loving father. 


ScRATCHSIDES." 



In conclusion, my young readers : As the Scratch- 
sides family, after remaining at the Hall for some time, 
have embarked for Europe — where we shall leave them to 
enjoy the sight of the lions in summer, plunge into the 
gayeties of Cancanis, toil with sore legs over the mole- 
hills of Switzerland, and undergo the ordeal of cheats 
through the length and width of the continent, who gen- 
erally find easy victims in American travelers — I hid 
you an affectionate good-by. 






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